I Should Have My Head Examined

for thinking about having my head examined. I called up my insurance company, and found my PPO plan covers pretty much any psychologist or psychiatrist that I want to see. So, they sent me a list of "professionals" in my area, and I started calling them up. Yes, I'm naturally skeptical of the whole idea of talking to someone about my depression, but since it dominatess my life to such an obvious extent, I thought, what the heck, I'll give it a try.

So, I start calling numbers, expecting to talk to a person. Wrong. All of the numbers go to voicemail, even if it's a multiple doctor practice. It's like these people are independent contractors, and they need to keep very lean, in terms of overhead. Ok, maybe I'm pessimistic, but I took that as a bad sign. So I start going down the list, and leave messages on all the machines. Maybe I called 6 or 7 of them. Ok, so I get the first callback during the workday. This doctor says something about not taking on new patients. Okay, no big deal, I'll wait to hear from the others. I get back from the gym and shopping at about 8:30, and I get a call on the cellphone. That's pretty prompt, it makes sense, if they're looking for patients. So this doctor asks what I'm looking for, I tell her about my depression and seclusion. She says, sure, I understand. What insurance do I have? I log into the VPN, read her the e-mail from my insurance company, and she's pleased that I have the good insurance. Next, she asks if I have suicidal thoughts. I say, sure, but not the rash kind, just vague future plans about it. I ask her rhetorically if it isn't a logical conclusion, since I feel things are hopeless. She says sure, suicide is associated with hopelessness. I also tell her I'm not on meds, and I'm not interested in taking any. I start picking up from her voice that there's a problem. She's starting to hedge her statements, and I get the feeling she's losing interest. I wonder if it's the talk of suicide. Does it alarm her? I ask her if suicide is some sort of 'threshold' question (which it must be). She starts to tell me she doesn't specialize in this area, and she'd only take me on if I started taking meds.

Ok, here's where my cynicism kicks in. I can tell by her voice she's very formulaic about this whole process. She isn't concerned about me as a person. I get no hint of concern in her voice. We're negotiating, that's all. We're talking about me in the 3rd person. She says things like "absolutely". Well, ok, I did pick up some concern in her voice about my insurance. She explains that some types of insurance limit the number of visits to like 10 or something. That's why I log into the VPN to read her my e-mail verbatim about pre-authorization, and if there's any limitations on treatment. After I allayed her fears about the insurance, we continued. But when I said I wasn't interested in the meds, she became concerned again. She gives me the explanation that Mood Disorders are "not her specialty". I guess normal people are her specialty. Her thing is to do therapy on drugs, because she needs people to open up. Like I need drugs to be open. I'm blogging all of this for christ's sake. Ok, I ask her if she can give me a referral. No, she doesn't know anyone in this area of Mood Disorders. Really? What category of doctors is this under, in the provider guide? She says 'Clinical Psychology'. Ok, if she doesn't know anyone that helps people with Mood Disorders, can I run by some names that I have? I read off all the names in the area. She doesn't know anyone. Ok, well she hopes I can find help. Ok, that resolved, she happily gets off the line.

Ok, what was my problem? Was I too forthcoming with my info? Should I have told her something else? Maybe suicide is a threshold issue, and people don't want to handle it for liability issues. Probably. Or maybe most psychologists only want to prescribe meds. I guess if I were just looking to max out on patients with a high probability of payment, knew I couldn't help anyone, and just wanted to pay my bills, I'd want to do that too. I have a feeling most doctors want to prescribe meds. If they were incentivised to write presciptions, wouldn't we have heard about it? I'll have to look it up.

While I was on the phone, another doctor called to leave a message. She wasn't taking any new patients, but I should call back in a few weeks, and see it some openings were available. I liked the sound of her voice more, and she seemed a little more sincere. Maybe I'll try her in a few weeks. It'll give me time to lose another few kilograms, and my outlook might be better. I might not say the trigger word. But I should check if she works with patients who prefer not to take meds.